“Why compare yourself with others? No one in the entire world can do a better job of being you than you.”  ~Unknown

Imagine what we could achieve if we stopped comparing ourselves to others. Think of the pressure that would slide from our shoulders.

I’ve compared myself to others all my life. When I was younger, I compared myself to the pretty girls, the popular girls, the smart girls, the skinny girls.

As a writer I have compared myself to the greatest authors and allowed myself to feel negative about my future career because I have believed that I would never write to such a standard.

Why do we compare?

Comparison seems to come naturally to us as human beings—it’s that competitive side to our nature. But I believe it’s also very limiting. Our feelings of inadequacy come directly from comparing ourselves to others, leaving us paralyzed and unable to be the best that we can be.

Over the last couple of years I have been walking a different path, one that allows me to stand in my own shoes and say “I am enough.” That doesn’t mean I don’t strive to do better, or that I don’t set goals. It simply means that I’m striving to be the best I can be and not trying to live up to a standard someone else has set that I may never be able to achieve.

When we teach our children to play sports we don’t tell the that they must be as good at little Juan on the team; we tell them they should do their best. We expect them to try hard but we never expect them to go beyond their ability. So why do put different expectations on ourselves?

I know I’ll never write like Alice Walker or Margaret Atwood. Does that mean I can’t be a successful writer? Should I pack it all in right now? Hell, no! I can certainly improve and do everything within my power to achieve my personal best, but if I keep my sights set on being the next Atwood, I will forever be living in someone else’s shadow and feeling bad about myself because I never hit the mark.

Five limitations of comparison:

1. Comparison prevents you from standing in your own light and realizing the unique abilities that only you have.
2. Comparison makes you feel negative and inferior.
3. Comparison arouses feeling of either jealousy or superiority, which make you treat others differently.
4. Comparison paralyzes your ability to move forward.
5. Comparison does not encourage you to strive for more.

How to be the best YOU can be

So if we shouldn’t compare ourselves to others, how then do we set the bar? How do we know what our goals should be?

Let’s say I took up running a year ago and I’m striving to eventually run a marathon; I am far better off if I compare myself to where I was six months ago than if I compare myself to my running friend who’s been racing for ten years.

We should set goals that we know are achievable. Once one goal is accomplished we are free to then take another step towards the next achievable goal. Comparison can be positive in the context of comparing one step on our journey to a previous step.

I am a writer.

There I just said it. No one had to hand me a degree; I didn’t have to pass a test. If I had said “I’m a Doctor,” I would have had both of these things. But I’m not a doctor—I’m a writer.

Could you call yourself a writer?

Sure—if you write.

Why do writers, or any artists for that matter, have problems calling themselves a writer? I think there’s some imaginary approval zone we all feel we have to pass through before we can declare who we are. After all, there’s no one stopping us from saying it—except ourselves.

Part of the problem is this: when we tell someone we’re a writer, there’s the inevitable question that’s thrown back at us:

“Really? What do you write? Where are you PUBLISHED?”

It’s that word PUBLISHED that seems to throw the spanner in the works, like the world only sees us as a writer if our name is in print somewhere. Except nowadays anyone can get published. When we post a blog on the Internet, we’re published; if we self-publish a novel, we’re published; heck we only have to Tweet and we’re published!

Setting Standards that don’t exist

As writers we set a standard—a certain level that we must attain before we feel adequately qualified to declare “Writer” on our lives. I agree with standards; we should set them and continually strive to meet them. But I also think that to meet any goal, we first must believe in who we are.

I spent many years saying “I love to write”, or “I write as a hobby.” But until I made that mental switch and started to say “I am a writer,” I didn’t start behaving like one. Only when I had declared it to be truth could I stand in that role and then build my professional life around it.

I haven’t yet published my first novel—actually it’s not even finished…that’s another story—but that doesn’t make me any less of a writer. I may well self-publish that novel one day. That won’t make me more or less of a writer.

Overcoming the Question

Of course when we declare ourselves to be a writer there’s an assumption that comes with the declaration: we do it for a living. Now, as every writer knows, there’s not a whole lot of money in writing, so many also have a day job. Does working two jobs make a writer any less of a writer?

So when someone asks me, “What have you published?” I now talk about what I’m working on, the foundations I’m building, the writing services I offer and my involvement in the writing community.

Stepping into the role 

The point is not really what other people think or say. The message I’m trying to get at is that we need to have enough confidence and belief in who we are to declare it on our lives. If we don’t, what chance do we ever have of fitting in to that role we dream of?

Think about the book you either last read or are currently reading. Who is the main character? Do you like him/her?

Chances are you know exactly who that person is and how you feel about them. You probably like them—a lot.

I have been asking myself a certain question over the last few months (I don’t come by decisions quickly):

Must my hero (main character) be likeable?

Why am I asking this you may wonder? Well, some people who have read excerpts from my book have remarked that they don’t like my main character.

Hmmm—we may have a problem. Hence my question.

This is the problem: If your main character isn’t likeable, your reader has no one to root for—they aren’t INVESTED in the character. And if that character is the one carrying the novel you have a problem. Now, there may be an antagonist (bad guy) in the book–most of them have one—and they may have a pretty big role, but we’re not meant to like them. The good guy is the one we like and it’s that person who plays the main part in the story.